The day I became a model

and other fascinating peacock displays

Birds of paradise are overwhelmed by such an abundance of food that they resort to courtship to combat boredom. What a fact to bring up at a dinner table.

There’s something transfixing about courtship displays. Check out this bird. She appears to be transfixed. Well, who would not be transfixed David Attenborough? The choreography, the seriousness of the act, the coming up and down of the torso like a maraca.

I also like the audacity of involving your mates. This carousel of movements is not a great team effort, is a work of art. Not even a single bird tripping over a twig. With required daily rehearsals that will only benefit the lead dancer. If that is not true friendship, I’m not sure what is.

Humans of the modern world are not distant from the peacock display. Take myself as an example. Completely obsessed with Lisa Eldridge. 487 of her makeup videos, and many replays, under my belt. That compounds to about 9,740 minutes of makeup lessons, including my own personal record of 116,880 minutes if we consider that I have 16 years of 20 minutes of daily practice. I have so much training that someone should give me a diploma, that’s what I am trying to say.

But that’s not the point. The point is that my obsession with Lisa has spiraled out of control, so much so that I decided to become her model. Except that she does not know, nor does she pay me. So it is a completely flawed business model, but here I go with my carousel of movements and torso up and down flapping my wings in the hopes that she’ll notice me.

Like the blue birds, I involved my Pickwick partner in my peacock display. That resulted in over 400 potatoes spent on photographic paraphernalia (so now the business is in deficit). We purchased a beauty dish that is the size of our living room, so large that we are considering using it as a tent on our next camping trip. We purchased two flashes, tripods, and so many other incomprehensible things that would bring me into despair every time I would open the door and there would be yet another Amazon box.

We spent 40 minutes setting up the whole army of instruments, and 4 minutes taking the shots. Speak of efficiency.

Here’s one of the editorial looks of the never-released Lisa Eldridge campaign:

Because not only I am a model, I am also part of her undercover marketing campaign, I must disclose I have a total of 13 Lisa Eldridge products on my face. You would think I have at least two faces to put this amount of makeup.

In an attempt to make it more professional, I even created a mood board, but then I panicked and resorted to my own training, which is mainly watching hours of birds of paradise flapping their wings. See how I lift my elbows?

I vividly remember the shock of seeing the first picture and wondering - where have my lips gone! So I ended up with a total of 10 lipstick layers, which is quite the world record.

There was an inflection point during the shot when I had the genius idea of using our Vornado fan as a hidden prompt. Look at that. So natural.

You may wonder who takes care of Miss Margot during our bird rehearsals. She was learning maths with Peppa Pig. Because in this household we value education.

And there you have it, the rare footage of a new species of bird of paradise. Very impressive, but no one is watching or It’s important not to be deflated when your best is not good enough, that’s what I heard David Attenborough saying to the birds. Little he knew I would be dancing for Lisa Eldridge.